


Hesitate

by girlagainsthumanity



Series: Magic aboard the Waverider [3]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ava and Sara both crying, Ava is broken, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post 05x15, Sara being mature, Season 5 Spoilers, Swan Thong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24547045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlagainsthumanity/pseuds/girlagainsthumanity
Summary: “I watched you die. I watched that zombie swipe you and then…” New tears fall as she recalls the trauma she witnessed. “All I could see was your blood and…” She stops, and gasps, crying again.ORThe conversation Ava and Sara had after defeating The Fates but before going to celebrate.
Relationships: Sara Lance & Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Series: Magic aboard the Waverider [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761727
Comments: 3
Kudos: 81





	Hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> So, after watching the Season 5 finale, I am very motivated and inspired to write! 
> 
> This was inspired by the finale - hope you enjoy

I sit down on the edge of the bed, watching Ava as she puts on her ‘punk’ makeup in the mirror. I smile as I watch her apply a _lot_ more mascara and eyeshadow than she normally would. And way more than the Ava I first met would approve of. But back then, she was a different person, she didn’t really see all the colours of the world, unlike me, who has always seen them. Her blueish-green eyes catch mine in the mirror and she gives me a tight smile, not a true one that reaches her eyes before returning back to applying her eye makeup.

I know something’s up with her, I sensed it we were first realised we were trapped on Star Trip and the feeling has only gotten stronger since then. Normally, when I make a plan to separate the Legends into two teams, she can see _some_ strategic benefit for us to be on one team each, especially as we are the best trained fighters out of the Legends. But when I made the plan to separate, she was a little _too_ resistant to it. Then when I was fighting Atropos and couldn’t answer her straight away, I could hear the panic in her voice – she sounded terrified. And when we were getting changed into our costumes she wouldn’t stop watching me and asking if I’m _really_ okay. And now, she’s barely said a word to me, but won’t stop looking at me every few minutes. She’s trying to do everything for me, from getting my clothes from the Fabricator to following me to the bathroom – pretending she needed to get something. _Something’s wrong with my Ava_ … _and I think I know what it is._

“Do you need the mirror?” Her voice brings me out of my trance. She’s looking at me through the mirror again.

I smile at her but she keeps her features neutral. _The spark in her eyes is different_. “Babe,” I stand up walking over to her. “You okay?” I take one of her hands, kissing the knuckle before holding it in both my hands. _She loves physical contact a lot more than I will admit to._

She smiles, a very fake smile before pulling her hand away. “You should put your makeup on. Charlie wants us ready by 8pm temporal standard time and I don’t think she’ll let you get away with being late _again_.” She lies, smoothly while standing up.

“I think Charlie will understand that we needed some time to talk about stuff.” I shrug, following Ava over to our closet. “Hey, Ava-” I attempt to hold her hand but she just pulls it away, too quickly.

She doesn’t say anything or even stop until she’s inside our closet. “I- I don’t have anything I need to talk about Sara,” She pauses, opening a dresser. “I mean, unless you know your gonna die again and then, yeah that would be great to know sooner rather than later!” She snorts with an icy tone.

I take a step back, a stab of pain rushing through me. _I knew it was about that._ “Ava-”

“No, okay, no. I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair,” She walks past me, doing her very best to not touch me. “I know that you didn’t do that to hurt me or anything, okay?” She turns to me, standing in the door arch. “And, I know that probably wasn’t easy for you either,” For the first time, her actually looking at me, the pain is written all over Ava’s face and it hurts to know I’m the cause of that. “See, there’s nothing to really to talk about.” A stiff smile appears on her face before she walks back into our room.

I follow her into our room, seeing her reluctance to discuss the hell she’s been through in the last two years she’s known me. “Since we’ve been _together_ you’ve seen me possessed by a demon, go to a _really_ dark place after my dad died, seen my… well, after Oliver died, see me go blind and then die. And then there’s everything you went through with learning about the c-word, Neron, the Time Bureau…” I pause, seeing her flinch. “Your world has been turned upside down and we’ve barely had a minute to process-”

“Sara, enough!” She interrupts, barking at me. Ava turns to me, with tears in her eyes and my heart constricts. _God, I don’t want her to cry_. “I don’t _want_ to talk about it, okay?”

I walk over to her, faster than I thought possible, pulling her into an unwelcomed hug until she stops fighting it, fighting me. She sobs in my neck; her arms sneak under my jumper and wrap so tightly around my waist that it feels like all the air is being forced out of my lungs. One of my hands goes to her hair, my fingers tangling themselves between the silky blond strands. We remain like that until I feel her legs give way and it feels like I’m holding us both up. I kiss her temple softly, my lips lingering on her skin, before leading the both of us to the bed.

We sit on the edge of the bed, Ava bending, in what I assume is a very uncomfortable position, so she can cry in my neck. _It’s times like this that I wish I was taller._ Her arms are still wrapped around me, tightly, as if she is frightened to let go. She continues crying until it seems like she can’t muster up anymore tears. I place my hand in the middle of her very warm chest, feeling her heart beating.

“Sara?” Ava’s horse voice gets my attention between her little gasps for air as she finally begins to regulate her breathing.

I plant a small kiss on her scalp. “Yeah babe?” 

“I’m sorry,” I shush her, after all, she has nothing to be sorry for. “I didn’t mean to be horrible to you.” I hold her tighter. “I,” She sniffles as I turn my head downwards, to try to see her face. “I can’t lose you again.” I listen to her gasp in more small breaths, clearly trying and failing to regain control.

I wish, _more than anything,_ I could tell her that I’ll never leave her, but clearly from past experiences, I’m destined to die in some horrible way. “Hey, Ava look at me,” I ask her, unsure of what I’m even going to say. She straightens her posture slightly. Her eyes are red, bloodshot, from the crying. I feel terrible for doing this to her, my heart breaking for each watermark that is clear on her face. I put on a brave face, smiling and using my thumb to wipe away her tears. “I will always find my way back to you. You keep me going, every _single_ time. No matter what happens, or how far away we are from each other physically, you are with me and I will always fight to be back with you.” I nod, hoping it’ll be somewhat reassuring but I don’t think it actually is.

She pulls her body away from mine, both her hands, holding on to my left hand-wrist for dear life. “I watched you die,” Her voice breaks on the last syllable. “I watched that zombie swipe you and then…” New tears fall as she recalls the trauma she witnessed. “Sara, they were all on top of you,” she cups my face in her hands. “All I could see was your blood and…” She stops, and gasps, crying again. “I couldn’t get to you… I-I was useless. You were dying and there was _nothing_ I could do.”

“Ava, I wasn’t expecting you to be able to help me. I knew I was going to die, I was okay with it if it meant giving you guys the time you needed for the courier to charge.”

“But I wasn’t, Sara! You had a whole day to come to terms with it but you didn’t even tell me! _Co-captains for life_ but you don’t tell me when your life is about to end?” The anger is back in her voice and I get it. She’s right. I had my reasons for not telling her but dying is a normal thing for me at this point. But… _that one vision_ when I saw Ava die… _I could not bare the thought._ I was terrified and hysterical.

Ava doesn’t say anything more, she just pulls me closer, her head against my chest. _I can’t lose you again._ Her words ring in my ears and I realise she’s listening to my heart beat.

“Ava, I’m sorry,” I run a hand through my hair. “I just wanted you to feel empowered to Captain the Legends because you were so unsure of yourself but I needed you to believe… in case.” I feel her stiffen as I finish.

Before I can process it, she’s pulled her body away from me and she’s standing in front of me. “ _In case_? Sara, what the hell do you mean _in case_?” I look down, unable to meet her eye. “You thought… you weren’t coming back.” She breathes out.

I shrug. “I hoped you guys would find a way but… I didn’t know for sure.”

“That speech you made at the bar… all along, you thought you’d die and never come back?” She huffs out a breath, then a few more. “No, no-no, no…” She stumbles backwards, causing me to stand up.

“Ava-”

“No!” She holds out her hand, telling me to stop approaching. “You didn’t even really believe we’d save you, you said your goodbyes knowing I would watch you die and no one else even knew! We could have made a plan or _something!”_ She’s crying again. “We could have not gone to that stupid bar Sara!” She shakes her head, crossing her arms. “What if The Fates didn’t believe Charlie? I died minutes after you, we _all_ did! Even Gary! _Only_ Charlie and John survived because the zombies didn’t want him. What if they weren’t enough? What then? We would’ve lost our captain, our-our friend, the love of my life!” She turns away mumbling something in anger.

I bite my lip. Guilt, sadness and fear coursing through my body. As the tears begin to prickle my eyes. _Jesus, this whole thing has been awful._ “The first time I died, it was over a year. I was… _lost_ for over a year and then… coming back was horrible, Ava. I didn’t know if that was gonna happen again but I didn’t want you guys to deal with.” I roughly wipe away my tears. “Every time I’ve died, I just felt lonely _._ But this time, it was different. I was calm, almost peaceful. You weren’t there but I could feel you with me, keeping me going and keeping me sane. I felt your love through it all.” I walk over to her, my heart breaking when I see her face. “Without you, I don’t think I would’ve accepted that sacrifice – because in my mind, I was protecting you and if it meant you would be safer, I would die 1000 times over Ava.” I shrug. “I’m sorry but, I would.”

“I don’t want you to die for me Sara! I want you to fight to live so we can be together, have time travelling adventures, fight pirates and creatures from hell; and have kids, get a house someday and settle down, grow old… I want us to grow old, to 100. I want us to be fully gray, with age spots and walking sticks but to still argue over who’s cleaning up after dinner and what movie to watch.” It all comes out as a blur.

I close the gap between us, cupping her face. “I want all of that too.” _God, I want it more than anything._

“Then stop using yourself as a sacrificial lamb! You’ve done this _so many_ times before with your team, with the people you care about but now it’s time to stop!” She walks over to me. “No more Sara. Your life is worth the same as everyone else’s.”

“It isn’t about tha-”

“Enough Sara! I need you alive.” I look at my baby, her eyes, nose and cheeks overly reddened by the crying. The crease in her brows deep. “You died! And you didn’t even give us a chance to change the future or even really believe we could bring you back and you were okay with that, with leaving me.”

I shake my head, new tears falling. Every word, feeling like a new stab in my chest. “I will _never_ be okay leaving you but I wanted to save your life. I wanted to protect you, it’s my natural instinct-”

“And mine is also to protect you and you didn’t let me even try! They-Sara… They ripped your body apart. I had to watch that. I heard your screams, I still do when I close my eyes.” I break eye contact, remembering trying to hold in my screams over the pain, until I broke.

I close my eyes, regretting wanting to talk about this now. I walk over to the bed, feeling exhausted. I look at my alarm clock, _19:32._ Charlie will be pissed at me. I close my eyes, interlocking my fingers in my lap.

I feel the bed sink slightly as Ava sits next to me, her right hand joining mine. “I’m sorry,”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for Aves.”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t even think how it effected you.”

A bitter laugh slips my lips. “Just a normal Tuesday for me.”

“That isn’t funny, Sara.” Her voice sounds tired. We both are. There’s no more energy to fight.

I shrug. “But it is. I’ve died so many times… my only thought was that… I might not be able to be with you again.”

We sit there, for god knows how long. We don’t speak, her hand gently rubbing my knuckles as her breathing calms. I think back to when I first saw the vision. The feeling of pain that tore through me, all my fears coming true, that I would never get my happily ever after like I once dreamed about. Those dreams stopped the minute the Gambit sank but Ava brought them all back. The dreams, the wants… wanting something more for myself.

“It hurt.” I turn to Ava. “When the zombies got me,” She clarifies after looking at me, my confused expression must’ve been obvious. “I never felt physical pain like that. But I hoped that whenever happened, I’d see you again.” She tucks some stray hair behind my ear. Black tear marks surround her eyes and run all over her once-naturally-pink cheeks. “I was so scared I’d lose you when we remembered on Star Trip, I didn’t want to come back because…” I nod as the unsaid words hang between us.

“I didn’t know they’d get you. I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

“I know.” Ava says while nodding. She bends slightly while bringing my hand up to kiss it. “I’m scared to let you out of my sight. It seems like the universe is always trying to break us up.”

I scoff. “Screw the universe. I’m the Paragon of Destiny and I know for a fact that we’re endgame.” I say lightheartedly, allowing me to see that _beautiful_ smile I’ve been missing out on. “You are my happy ending Ava. There will _never_ be anyone else.”

I’m gifted again, with her smile, her true smile. I make a mental note to burn this smile into my memory because I never want to lose it. “You are my everything Sara. My family, my best friend, my love.”

“When I was in Star City, before everything got _so screwed up_ … I visited my dad. He wants to meet you.” I pause, smiling. “He said he knew I loved you. My dad hasn’t met you but he likes you. He said you’re the one for me.”

“But… he doesn’t know me?”

I smile, thinking about my dad. “My dad knows what I’ve told him and he knows me _very well._ Better than I know myself.” I stop, I don’t want her to know that he gave me grandma’s wedding ring. _Not yet._ Besides, our originally conversation isn’t over. “Where do we go from here?” I ask the question that has terrified me from her initial outburst.

“We don’t hide anything from each other. _Anything, Sara._ ” I nod, hearing the frustration in her voice. “From now on, everything that happens, we face together. No trying to protect each other.” I lean my head on her shoulder and it’s comforting. I mumble that I agree. “I’m not angry at you but… I’m still scared Sara. I can’t promise that I won’t be nervous when you are without me.”

“I’ll never stop fighting to come back to you Ava.”

She leans her head so it’s resting on top of mine, our hands still interlocked. We stay like this in silence. There’s no anger in the air but there’s still fear from both of us. I know we’re a long way from moving on past this fully but… it’s out there now. _The hurt, the pain, trepidation._ But right now, it there’s a certain serenity along with that fear that just allows us to be us - Two women who love each other deeply. There’s no danger right now, nothing to stop us being with each other in a deeper way than we have been in a while.

“Charlie’s going to kill you.” She nods towards the clock. _20:13._

I scoff. “Like you’d let her.”

I feel her cheeks rise as she smiles. “I could take her.”

“Yeah. I don’t know about pre-Hayworld Zari and Amaya though.” I tease.

“Yeah, Amaya was always the badass. Totem or not.” She adds. One thing I always respected about Ava, is that she always admitted that even though we were ‘ _a bunch of losers’_ we had our talents. _Even Mick’s thievery, which she did not admire._

I slowly stand up stretching slightly, grabbing the makeup wipes, mascara and eyeshadow from the vanity table. I take one out of the pack while walking back over to Ava. I kneel in front of her and start with her cheeks, gently removing the black stains from her lips before planting a soft kiss on them, which she welcomes. I slowly move upwards, using more wipes to wipe it off her cheeks and under her eyes. When it’s done, I slowly put on her punk-themed makeup. Ava complies with everything with her legs wrapped around my back.

“Perfect.” I whisper as I finish. “But you always look beautiful anyways.”

She smiles at me, tenderly. She leans down and kisses me, so softly, I feel like I’m about to melt into her lips. I only pull apart when my lungs start crying out for air, as my nose is now blocked from the crying.

“I love you Sara.”

“I love you too Ava.”

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment telling me what you think!


End file.
